Since one in four children will experience the divorce or separation of their parents, then we must help children through the many serious adjustments that they experience. New parental relationships, new homes and schools, and added financial pressures on parents are all significant factors, but critical to a child’s ability to cope is the opportunity to have regular access to both parents.  Child experts tell us that children need predictable and consistent contact with both parents and no hostility between parents over the children.  A tall order for parents in conflict, but if the focus is on the children’s best interest, then parents will help their children to learn to cope with the changes forced on them by divorce or separation.

Communication is frequently an issue, often resulting in wrong assumptions by one or both parents regarding their children. Frustrated parents may refuse their children access to the other parent or the non-custodial parent may be inconsistent in contact with their children.  Unless parental rights are revoked, denying a parent contact with their children is illegal — even if they fail to pay child support. Domestic violence or drug issues sometimes are involved. As long as a child’s safety is not threatened, they still should have contact with a parent, even if third-party assistance is necessary.

Sometimes children become “pawns” in parental battles. As parents seek to win, their children frequently lose. By supporting their child’s contact with the other parent, adults validate the importance of that relationship, and minimize the focus on their own anger, hurts or frustrations.  Parents can’t control each other, and benefit most from focusing on what they can control: their own attitudes and behaviors. When adults — even when they feel disrespected — resist the urge to degrade the other parent in front of children, they demonstrate integrity.

There may be frustration with the other parent’s lack of follow-through or availability, and the pain that this causes for children. While making disparaging comments should be avoided, adults should be careful not to make excuses for parental irresponsibility.  Non-custodial parents must persist in maintaining contact with their children, even if the other parent makes it difficult or a child seems to push them away. It may feel discouraging now, but perseverance generally pays off with deeper parent-child relationships later.  Parents should respect/honor the visitation schedule — both in showing up, and by being on time to pick up and drop off children. They should avoid making promises unless they can deliver on them.

Children need structure and love. Parents should make time with them as “normal” as possible, showing that they are more than a “Disneyland Dad” or “Magic Kingdom Mom,” who constantly entertains. Kids feel safer and grow up more confident with a healthy balance between clear expectations and unconditional support and love.